Thursday, June 15, 2006

Dickburn

Nick Vag stepped through his white, Psycho, shower curtain and turned both taps on at once.
Hot and cold water ran together to become warm. Warm was exactly how Nick liked things, he wasn't a fan of extremes.
He grabbed his bar of Irish Spring but put it back and decided to jerk off. First he lathered his hair with Head & Shoulders to let it set in. Nick thought about Kelly Ripa and her legs and her shoes, they were pretty but then an image of Regis slipped in and ruined the fantasy.
When Nick opened his eyes was when he heard the faint, deep voice coming from the crack in the grout that ran down the far corner of the white tiled shower stall.
Nick though he must have heard someone yelling in the house across the driveway but the words were definitely English sounding and the house next door was full of Mexicans.
Nick couldn't have imagined it though. It was a real voice and he heard it again.
"Who goes there?"
"What the heck?" said Nick, "Is this a joke?"
"They call me Finacor, I was once a great warrior."
"Well get the fuck out of my shower," said Nick turning off both the taps and reaching for his towel.
"I wish I could," said Finacor, "I should give anything for my freedom."
"Wait dude, are you really trapped?"
"With all my powers I need someone else to free me."
"If this is serious man, I'll call the cops."
"Call no one," said Finacor, "This is something you must achieve on your own."
"I can't just break this wall up my landlord would kill me," said Nick but he was intrigued by the voice of Finacor.
"Do you fear this lord so much as to not help a friend?"
"Friend?" said Nick.
"You were kind enough to speak to me," said Finacor, "Listen to my tale of woe."
"I trust you," said Finacor.
"Maybe I trust you too," said Nick, but you better start explaining yourself."
"I shall," laughed Finacor, "I shall."
#
Nick returned to the bathroom dressed in a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt. He carried a hammer and a flat head screwdriver to use as a chisel.
"I'm not too handy with tools," said Nick to the crack, "but I should have you out in a few hours."
He began to hammer the screwdriver into the crack and it widened a bit.
"I can already taste the fresh air," said Finacor and his voice was louder.
Nick wondered if Finacor was lying about that because all he could smell was his cat's litterbox.
As Nick hammered the second time the tension rod slid out and fell on his head, then the floor, with a loud bang.
The shower curtain was wrapped over Nick's face and he pulled it off.
"Shit!"
His head hurt like hell.
"What happened my friend? I heard a loud noise."
"No big deal Finacor," said Nick.
"It is only that I admire you so much for trying to free me."
"Once again," said Nick, "No big deal."
He dropped the tension rod and curtain on the bathroom floor and went back to work on the cracked up tiles.
The screwdriver did the trick and the hole grew wider and wider.
"Tell me more about yourself," said Nick.
"I was a great warrior in a land called Atlantis," said Finacor, "I was the envy of all the land and all the sharks who roamed the seas. No one could defeat Finacor the brown knight. My shiny brown armor and skin was stained red with the blood of my enemies."
"Is that why they call you Finacor," said Nick, "because you're so hardcore?"
"Ha ha ha my dear, Finacor is a simple family name."
"My nickname used to be white chocolate," said Nick, "That's what the black kids used to call me because I was so good at basketball."
"Back to my story," said Finacor.
"And back to my chiseling," laughed Nick as he raised the hammer.
"One day a swirling vortex appeared behind the Castle Gayskull and out stepped a mysterious man who had a large iron hand.
"The man asked that he may see the three greatest warriors in the land so that he may give them a test.
"Cronos the king summoned me the brown knight, Daltan the Asian knight, and Brohan the white knight.
"The man told us to remove our armor plating and to wait each in line. He first summoned the white knight to his side.
"He grabbed the white knight's dick with his iron hand and the iron began to glow red. The white knight screamed as his dick melted away to liquid.
"The man sent the white knight away and summoned the Asian knight and did the same with his yellow dick.
"There was much fear in my heart as the man summoned me, the brown knight, to his side but my courage carried me forward.
"As he wrapped his iron fingers around my dick it felt cold but they began to heat up and soon my dick burned with all Poseidon's wrath. The iron hand man did not smile however, for as hot as his hand glowed my dick would not melt.
"'What sort of trickery is this,' he screamed.
"'This chocolate,' I said, 'melts in your mouth not in your hand.'
"And somehow that incantation protected my dick perhaps. Angry that he could not melt my dick the iron handed man banished me to a netherworld in which I have remained until this day."
"You'll be out soon," said Nick.
Nick had flashes of Encino Man running through his head except Finacor the brown knight replaced Brendan Fraser's caveman.
Nick gave Finacor a bath with all the different cleaning fluids.
Nick cut Finacor's hair into a cool, modern style.
Nick gave Finacor a skateboard and took him to campus giving him a cool name like Finny and telling all the girls he was from Latvia.
Finacor's voice woke him from his fantasy.
"I can almost smell you my friend."
Nick hammered away.
"Just a minute now," he said.
Finacor laughed and Nick could hear him now clearer than ever.
Suddenly an iron hand shot out from the hole and grabbed Nick's crotch ripping his dick out of his underwear.
Nick Vag felt the cold iron fingers grip his dick!
"I forgot to tell you," giggled Finacor, "After he could not defeat my dick I became him."
Nick could see Finacor in the shadows and his brown armor. He also saw the swirling vortex behind him.
Nick's dick burned as Finacor's arm flared to red-hot but his dick would not melt and it was then Nick realized.
"What's the meaning of this?" Finacor gripped harder and hotter.
"Didn't I tell you already," laughed Nick, "They used to call me white chocolate!"
Finacor screamed, "No!"
Nick grabbed the tension rod off the floor and used it to knock Finacor back into the swirling blue vortex.
Then he vanished.
Nick looked at his right hand.
It had turned to shiny iron.


Wednesday, May 10, 2006

PUFFER R.I.P. 2001-2006 "My special puff."

I don't listen to music anymore
since Puffer left
he's gone for good and I can't believe it

we used to put him outside because he'd pee
in the playpen
but one night he never came back and

i'd give anything to have him pee on
anything again.

(I miss you Puffer. Wherever you are. Whatever happened to you that made it so you couldn't come home I will always remember you and love you. You're brother Blinger is here all alone now with Caril-Ann.)