Monday, March 21, 2005

Hyde's Double

Example
A few months ago I found out about this CBS Writer's Mentoring program. Part of the application was doing a sample script for any TV show that had been on air in the past year. I paid for shipping confirmation and everything but according to some guy whose email is bsmatos@cbs.com they never got my application package. I had to get all that crap notarized too. Fuck them. No one was ever gonna read this script and it's the best episode of That 70's Show ever written.

Sorry if the format is wierd. When I copied it out of Final Draft it screwed up the spacing but it is still readable so read it:


FADE IN:

EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY (DAY)

Eric and Hyde wear bug sprayers with the canisters draped over their shoulders.

ERIC
I know Red’s too cheap to pay for an exterminator but why does that automatically make it our job?

HYDE
Because he knows we’re too scared to say no to him and that little weasel Fez ran away after we found out the ants came from his candy stash in Laurie’s closet.

Kelso enters from offstage cradling a puffy brown kitten.

KELSO
Hyde, meet Hydecat.

ERIC
That does sort of look like Hyde except without the “I’m so much cooler than you” attitude.

HYDE (PUNCHES ERIC)
Shut up Forman.

KELSO
Can I borrow some dog food Forman?

ERIC
You can’t feed a cat dog food.

KELSO
But I want him to grow up big and strong like a dog.

HYDE
Kelso, how are you gonna take care of a kitten when you’re too dumb to take care of yourself?

KELSO
I don’t know yet, all I know is that with Michael Kelso as its parents this is one Hyde that’s not getting abandoned. (NEXT) Unlike you Hyde get it?

HYDE (PUNCHES KELSO)
Shut up Kelso!

CUT TO:

OPENING CREDITS

FADE OUT:

ACT ONE

SCENE A

FADE IN:

INT. LAURIE’S BEDROOM
Eric and Hyde dig through Laurie’s closet.

HYDE
I know I’ve said this before but your sister is a total slut Forman.

ERIC
You’re right Hyde and that’s why there’s enough empty Trojan boxes in here to sail a whole fleet of pirate ants across the bathtub.

HYDE
I don’t wanna know anymore about what you do in the bathtub Forman. Let’s just spray these ants and get out of here.

ERIC
Do you know how to use this thing?

Hyde picks the hose up in his hand.

HYDE
I’m not an idiot Forman.

Hyde turns the valve on the side of the canister and a jet of poison hits his face and causes him to fall back in the closet.

The canister fizzes out.

Eric coughs and waves his hands in front of his face.

ERIC
Hyde are you all right?

Eric puts his hand out to Hyde.

HYDE (IN A DAZE)
Forman?

SWITCH TO:

HYDE’S POV
Hyde’s vision is blurred but it manages to focus on an ant that crawls on to a Jolly Rancher.

The ant stops to stare at Hyde.

ANT (IN AN OMINOUS VOICE)
Steven Hyde!

Hyde stares back at the ant with a confused look on his face.

ANT
You have come here to take our candy away. Now we are going to destroy you and all your friends.

SWITCH TO:

INT. LAURIE’S BEDROOM
Hyde scrambles out of the closet and screams with terror.

HYDE
Save yourself Forman!

Hyde pushes past Eric and runs out of the room.

CUT TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE B

INT. MOVIE THEATRE
Fez is seated in between Donna and Jackie. “Marathon Man” plays on the movie screen and Donna holds a huge bucket of popcorn in her lap.

JACKIE
Thanks for taking us to the movies Fez.

Fez puts his arm around Jackie.

FEZ
Nothing is too good for my Jackie.

Jackie pushes Fez’s hand off.

JACKIE
That’s why you insisted on the half price matinee right?

Fez takes popcorn and spills some in Donna’s lap.

Donna makes an angry face.

FEZ (RE: MOVIE SCREEN)
Oh that Roy Schieder sure is one handsome devil. It’s such a shame that mean Nazi kills him.

JACKIE
I like Dustin Hoffman. He’s cute in a kind of ugly way like Eric.

FEZ
You think Eric is cute?

DONNA (PUTS HER FIST UP)
Will you two shut up?

FEZ (PRETEND CRINGES)
Oh Jackie I’m so scared, the big red giant is going to crush me.

Fez laughs.

Donna takes the popcorn tub and crams it down over Fez’s head.

CUT TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE C

EXT. FORMAN HALLWAY
Kitty walks by the bathroom door carrying a basket of folded towels.

KELSO (O.S.)
You’re such a cutie Hyde I just want to cuddle you to death.

Kitty pauses by the door and shakes her head in disgust and quickly walks away.

Red comes down the hallway and passes the bathroom.

KELSO (O.S.)
Hyde if you don’t get into that bath I might have to get rough with you, you fuzzy little beast.

Red breaks the door open.

RED
Not in my house!

Kelso holds the wet kitten up.

KELSO
Eric said I could give my cat a flea bath in here.

RED
Kelso you dumbass.

Red exits.

CUT TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE D

EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY (DAY)
Eric and Hyde walk over to the garage and Eric carries the two bug sprayers.

Hyde looks pale and disoriented.

ERIC
We’ll return this stuff tomorrow Hyde. (RE: HYDE) Man, you need to see a doctor.

HYDE
Don’t you get it Forman? We’re all in danger.

ERIC
Oh you mean the talking ants?

HYDE
Only one of them talked to me but the rest looked angry.

Fez, Donna, and Jackie enter from offstage.

Hyde runs up to Jackie.

HYDE
Jackie you have to get out of here as far away as you can.

JACKIE
What’s wrong Steven?

HYDE
The ants are mad because we took their candy away.

FEZ
That was my candy!

Jackie puts her hands up in frustration.

JACKIE
Let’s get out of here Donna.

DONNA
I wanna say hi to my Dad anyway.

FEZ
Ooh Donna can I still borrow Bob’s track suit?

DONNA
Okay Fez but make sure you don’t do anything perverted in it.

Fez jumps up and down.

FEZ
Yay I can’t wait.

Donna, Fez, and Jackie exit.

ERIC
I’m taking you to the hospital Hyde.

Hyde grabs Eric by his shoulders.

HYDE
This is my fault Forman, and it’s up to me to handle it.

Hyde storms inside the house followed by Eric.

The bug spray canisters fall over onto each other and one of them starts to leak on the floor.

CUT TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE E

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT

Music Cue: “Strutter” by Kiss

A 360 SCENE

HYDE
So then he turns to me and he’s like (IN A SCARY VOICE) “Steven Hyde I will destroy you.” (LAUGHS)

FEZ
Do you guys think this suit makes me look like Dustin Hoffman?

Kelso holds up a tiny black T-shirt.

KELSO
Look at this shirt I got for Hyde.

Hydecat just sits there.

ERIC
Hyde aren’t you worried that you might be poisoned? (LAUGHS)

HYDE
I’m not poisoned Forman, I just had my eyes opened.

Hydecat gets up and runs up the stairs.

KELSO
Careful out there son.

ERIC
What the hell are you talking about Kelso?

KELSO
(SERIOUS) I’ve realized today that since I’m so good at taking care of Hyde that I’m gonna be an awesome dad man.

FEZ
I realized at the movies that there could be secret Nazis hidden where you least expect.

ERIC
Fez you dillhole, how many times have you seen that stupid movie?

RED
Eric you better return that stuff to the hardware store before I turn your ass into a pair of boots and kick you in your smart mouth!

Eric gets up.

ERIC
C’mon Hyde.

CUT TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE H

EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY (DAY)
Eric and Hyde walk to the garage and see Hydecat dead lying in a puddle of bug poison.

Hyde points at the cat.

HYDE
It’s begun already, the terror of the ants.

ERIC
Hyde you psycho, this is our fault. I left the poison out and it must have spilled.

Hyde bends over and picks the cat up and looks in it’s eyes.

HYDE
What really happened to you my friend?

Kelso enters.

Eric grabs the cat from Hyde and throws it over the fence into Bob’s yard.

KELSO
Have you guys seen Hyde. (BEAT) Wait, what did you just throw over the fence?

ERIC
My old baseball cap.

KELSO
I didn’t know you wore a cap.

KELSO
Yeah I’m a big cap person, always have been.

Eric pats Kelso’s shoulder and laughs nervously.

KELSO
So you have seen Hyde?

ERIC (RE: HYDE)
He’s right here.

KELSO (LAUGHS)
No I meant the one who’s girlfriend I didn’t have sex with.

ERIC (RE: HYDE)
Hey shouldn’t you be punching him in the shoulder and saying shut up or something?

Bob comes out of his yard in swim trunks with Hydecat stuck to his head.

He pulls the cat off and takes his toupee off along with it.

Eric laughs.

KELSO
Hyde! I should have been watching you! This is all my fault.

Kelso runs away crying.

Bob separates the cat from his toupee and puts the toupee back on crooked.

He then jams the cat down onto Eric’s head and rubs it in his hair.

Bob turns and looks at Hyde and Eric before going back into his yard.

BOB
And tell that Italian friend of yours I want my tracksuit back.

CUT TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE J

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN
Red makes a Scooby Doo sandwich stacked really high and carefully spreads each layer with mustard using a big knife.

Kitty puts on oven mitts and pulls a tray of cookies from the oven.

Kitty hands Fez a cookie on a paper plate and Fez takes it over to the table where he has a glass of milk waiting for him.

FEZ
So Red, what sort of work did you do during the war?

RED
I was in the War you moron.

FEZ
The Korean War but there were other wars Red Forman ones you may be trying to hide from for sinister reasons.

RED (RE: KITTY)
Kitty will you please stop this foreign kid before I cut his head off?

FEZ
If you are such a big man then why have you been hiding all these years?

Fez gets up from his chair and throws it to the ground.

Kelso, his eyes red from crying, creeps into the kitchen unnoticed.

Fez walks over to Red and pokes him in the chest.

KITTY
Fez I don’t know what you trying to do but if you don’t want my husband to murder you I suggest you stop.

FEZ
There were so many murders Red Forman so many crimes for you to face up to and that’s why you can’t you can’t face it--

Red lifts the knife up to Fez but Kitty gets in between them and pushes Red away.

RED
What is this dumbass talking about?

Kelso takes the cookie in his mouth and the glass of milk and creeps around the counter to where Red’s sandwich is.

He takes the sandwich and carefully slips past the basement door which is open.

Red puts the knife down and notices his sandwich at the same time Fez turns to see that his snack is gone.

RED
My sandwich!

FEZ
My cookie!

CUT TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE K

INT. FORMAN BASEMENT
Kelso sits on the couch and cries while he eats Red’s big sandwich and drinks Fez’s milk.

Donna and Jackie enter from outside and run over to Kelso when they see that he’s crying.

DONNA
What’s wrong Kelso?

Donna and Jackie sit down on either side of him.

KELSO
My cat died.

JACKIE
You had a kitty?

KELSO
For half a day.

DONNA
I’m so sorry Kelso what happened?

Kelso points at Donna.

KELSO
(Angry)I think your dad killed him because he made fun of his hairpiece.

Donna and Jackie both get up in disgust.

DONNA
Kelso you moron stop messing around.

JACKIE
Have you seen Steven?

KELSO
You mean (sniffles) Hyde?

Kelso starts to cry out loud.

Donna and Jackie walk up the stairs.

DONNA
Kelso, it’s times like these that I can’t tell if you’re just stupid, or completely insane.

Donna and Jackie exit.

CUT TO:

INT. FORMAN KITCHEN
Fez sits alone at the table eating a cookie.

Hyde comes in from outside.

HYDE
There’s something strange going on here.

FEZ
I know what you mean.

Kelso comes up from the basement.

HYDE
I’m sorry about your cat man, it’s my fault.

KELSO
It is?

HYDE
I didn’t do anything to stop them.

KELSO
Stop who?

HYDE
The ants.

KELSO
Ants killed my kitten?

Fez stands up and motions for Kelso and Hyde to come near him.

FEZ
Wait you guys, I’m beginning to see a pattern here.

A thought bubble appears next to Fez’s head and grows to fill the whole screen.
Kelso’s cat has a fro like Hyde and black sunglasses and a black T-shirt and jeans.
He hides behind the couch in the Forman living room and watches as Red addresses an army of ants lined up on the coffee table.

RED
We are going to take over the world starting with Point Place and we’ll finally make them pay for making me hide all these years.

ANTS
All hail Red!

RED
No one can stop us, not even that handsome devil Fez.

HYDECAT
I’ve got to warn Fez and Michael.

Hydecat tries to run out the front door but Red sees him and shoots him down with a Luger pistol.

RED
Defiance will not be tolerated.

Red and the ants laugh an evil laugh together.

RED
ERIC!

Eric comes down the stairs dressed in a little schoolboy’s uniform.

ERIC
Yes father?

RED (RE: HYDECAT)
Dispose of this trash (BEAT) And make it look like an accident.

Eric picks Hydecat up and drapes him over his shoulder.

The bubble pops.

FEZ
Poor little Hydecat, you never had a chance just like Roy Schieder in “Marathon Man”!

KELSO
You’re crazy Fez. I can’t believe in a million years that Eric would ever help ants.

HYDE
And Red wanted us to kill the ants except that spray might not have been poison it might have been some kind of super growth spray.

FEZ
But think about it seriously, Eric is a very strange boy and he’s a coward.

KELSO
That’s right.

HYDE
It’s as if Red created him in a lab to be his slave and that’s why he has no backbone.

KELSO
You guys, we have to do something about this.

HYDE
Yeah.

FEZ
Yeah.

Fez, Hyde, and Kelso all put there hands together.

KELSO
But first I wanna cool outfit like Fez’s, it could be like our uniform.

CUT TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE M

EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY (EVENING)
Eric, Donna, and Jackie sit in Eric’s car.

ERIC
Damn, I forgot my wallet.

JACKIE
C’mon Eric I’m hungry.

DONNNA
Yeah Eric stop forgetting stuff all the time.

Eric exits the car and runs back into the house.

DONNA
Do you think Hyde’s okay?

JACKIE
He’s just being weird.

DONNA
Don’t you think it has anything to do with getting poison sprayed in his face?

JACKIE
No he’s always weird.

Eric walks back to the car with his wallet in his hand and a big smile when all of a sudden Hyde, Fez, and Kelso come out of nowhere and throw a blanket over his head and pull him inside the house.

Jackie looks around impatiently.

JACKIE
I’m starving to death here Donna let’s just go.

Jackie climbs into the driver’s seat and starts the car.

DONNA
Fine with me.

The car pulls away.

CUT TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE P

EXT. FRONT DOOR OF FORMAN HOUSE

Red has just come home from work and he opens the door.

SWITCH TO:

INT. FORMAN LIVINGROOM
Eric is tied up with jumpropes and gagged with a sock and he’s propped up against the wall by the kitchen door.

Hyde, Fez, and Kelso are all standing in front of him.

Hyde wears pajamas with pink rabbits all over them.

Kelso wears a yellow track suit that is super small on him.

Red just looks at them and walks back out the door and slams it behind him.

HYDE
He’s getting away.

Fez runs up to the door and pulls it open.

FEZ (SCREAMS)
Come back here you Nazi!

Kitty stands directly in front of Fez wearing her nurse uniform.

KITTY
What on earth is going on here Fez?

Red comes up behind Kitty.

RED
I told you Kitty.

KITTY (RE: RED)
Go untie your son.

Red walks around her and pushes past Fez and walks over to Eric and starts untying him.

HYDE (RE: RED)
I know what you’ve been up to Red and you’re not getting away with it even with the help of those evil little ants.

KELSO
Why’d you have to kill my cat? He never hurt anyone.

RED
Are you talking about those ants I asked you dumbasses to spray.

Red undoes Eric’s gag.

ERIC
Mom, Dad, I’m sorry. Hyde breathed in some bug spray and I thought he’d be all right.

Kitty goes up to Hyde and feels his forehead.

KITTY
Steven, you need an ambulance right now.

RED
I’m going upstairs to look at my old war medals and I want you guys out of my house (RE: KELSO) and out of Kitty’s active wear.

Red goes up the stairs.

Kitty picks up the phone.

KITTY
How could you guys let yourselves get so carried away by this fantasy.

FEZ
It’s that Lawrence Olivier’s fault, he’s so damn convincing.

KELSO
That means it is my fault that Hydecat died.

Kelso runs away crying again.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO

CREDIT WINDOW

FADE IN:

INT. MOVIE THEATRE
Fez is tied up with a rope and sits next to Red.

“Marathon Man” plays on the screen.

RED
I’m gonna sit here and make you watch this thing over and over until I get you to see the difference between reality and the world of make believe.

FEZ
Thank you Mr. Forman.

RED
You’re welcome dumbass. (RE: MOVIE SCREEN) That Roy Schieder sure is easy on the eyes.

FADE OUT:

END OF SHOW

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